Suicide .

"Thinking of suicide ? You’re sitting in your room ~ door locked ~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper infront of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again - for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~ again and again, but you don’t kn

ow where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody.

It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all.

No body cares, right? Well you thought wrong. It’s a Tuesday the following morning, and when it’s 7:21, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her she doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got which is close to nothing to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right?

8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces about your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap ~ he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you ~ the one that always threw things at you during class ~ he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated - even the kids you’ve never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right?

Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister ~ no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff ~ always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn’t I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home ~ the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself ~ he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?

It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn’t slept for nights it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework now cuts. But nobody cares about you, aren’t I right?

Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never.

It’s your funeral. It’s a big one ~ everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t, and you won’t.

Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs everyone has their bad days. Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life.

Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself ~ how would the people that love you feel/go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable."

I saw this post on Facebook , a girl named Amanda Todd killed herself a few days ago , from bullying. This post got to me , majorly. About a year ago , I considered suicide . It crossed my mind more than once, thinking the pain was too much to bear anymore, that everyone would understand why I left. It's more than that , most people say "Suicide is selfish" well , I do not entirely disagree but in the mind of a suicidal person , we think "Life will become easier.." "No more pain.." "No more suffering" in the moment we are running through ways we can leave our pain , something brings most of us back from it. My situation? 


I was sitting at the window , watching the rain thinking about what happened to me, flashbacks invaded my mind, his hands around my throat, the force of his body on mine, the tears streaming down my face, his blue eyes burning into my memory. All of this was like a movie on replay. Constant thoughts , in the midst of my tears I think , "This can go away , it takes one simple thing and all of my pain can be gone , forever." I start imagining me getting into a severe car wreck , someone murdering me , pills , knives , guns . It all crossed my mind , more than once , I was walking around looking for the least painful way when I got a phone call . My baby sister . I answer , what brought me back to reality? Her words , the words I will never in my life forget , the words that saved my life.. "I cannot wait to see you tomorrow sissy , We can eat and open presents together, I cannot wait for you to see what I got you , I've been saving my money for it to be special." She was giggling trying so hard to keep it a secret . I cried even more.. I told her I couldn't wait to see what she got me , we hung up . . I dropped to my knees and just cried... the next day came and she gave me the sweetest teddy bear , it had a squeaker and she was smiling and laughing , so proud that she kept the secret . I look at the bear now and see her. I see my dark days and that bear has pulled me out of a lot of things. Everytime I see it , I think of where it would be if the night before , I had taken my life. it would be with her , on her dresser , mocking her . with the thought of me every time she passed it .

Suicide is not an easy thing to stop , unfortunately it happens to a lot of people , some come out of it , some are less fortunate. For the readers I have who are suicidal , or even thinking of it . You are loved by your mom , dad , siblings , FRIENDS. Don't let the thought of and "easier life" distract you from the ones who love you. If I can tell you one thing , it's that once you get through this , you EARN your scars. You can help save a life , live yours and enjoy the little things . Life will become easier , I know it doesn't seem like it but believe me when I say that after this dark path, comes a road of happiness.. 

Think of those around you and not just you . You were given this challenge to see if you are strong enough to survive .. don't let the devil get under your skin.. 

Hello again.

It's been awhile since I have blogged as I can see. Might as well catch my readers up with whats been going on in my life.

Well, as you all know from recent posts, I won my battle to put away my rapist. Now as I have been telling all of you from the start of this "No matter how hard your trials or obstacles in life, God ALWAYS has a reward at the end." Well, I have received mine.

During court, there was one person other than family who was there day to day and night after night. Rhett. Now, my current boyfriend. The love of my life and my REWARD. I honestly didn't think I would ever see him as mine again but God truly blessed me with something special.

During the court process, he was a witness. He was the person I called the minute I ran from the house that night, If it weren't for him, I would have never called the cops and Jason would still be roaming the streets. Anyways, court was on the 13, well the first day at least. On the 13, Rhett took the stand to defend me. I went on the stand the 14th, also known as valentines day. Yeah, I know right, how messed up is that? He was dismissed from trial the day he took the stand, the 13th. Despite that, he was there EVERYDAY. Every morning, and every night. He held me in the witness room before I took stand and he was right there the minute I walked out. He was there at night when I woke up screaming in terror and held me as I cried.

Long story short, he was the one who gave me a sense of comfort and protection as I went through this time of pain and sadness. Despite the pain and fear in my mind that week, something wonderful DID happen. We reconnected. Though I had always loved him, even when he left, I suppressed it, just as he did. All it took was one kiss and I had fallen all over again.

Mushy, yes I know. I apologize but the point of this was that no matter what you are going through, pain, suffering, sadness. God has a reward for you, sometimes it will be something you could expect, other times it can be something way out of anything you can comprehend. So, don't look down, don't lose hope. God has your path planned

Battle to Rejoice in the name of Revenge.

Sitting here listening to the rain, I feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. My long battle for my freedom is finally over. What has been my one and only focus for 8 months has now disintegrated into victory. 

Two battles. One to which lasted a day, the other in which lasted 5. 

Battle one. I was pinned. Looking into the eyes of a coward as he held me at my wrists and neck. His deep blue eyes burning me. The tattoos he wore stain my memories forever. The pressure of his body on mine. The struggle. My ears hear only my voice saying fight. Pushing, Squirming. I was helpless and weak. I was the loser. The pain of the penetration each time he thrusted. The hot tears from my eyes roll down the side of my face as my fear welts inside of me. I close my eyes, helpless with no hope. My mind starts to race. “This is it. My life, it’s over. This is how I am going to die.” The tears stroll faster. Eyes still closed, weak, unable to fight anymore, the pressure from his body is gone. I open them at the time my body was jerked. Now I am in the car. My mind still races. My body is in pain, the tears still stroll. Trying to come to sense, what happened. I didn’t ask for this. Why. Then, that fearful word, the word no girl wants to hear let alone experience comes to my mind as I put all the nights sequencing actions together. I was raped. My tears flow again. Appearing out of the window, my mind says jump out.Run. Then my sense comes in. If you do so, he could kill you. My glance then moves. Now I am staring at the man who took my innocence away. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tattoos, I was staring my greatest fear into the eyes. His piercing glance causes me to look down. What I saw? blood. The red streaks and splotches covered the zipper area of him. I then jerk my head back to the window. My mind then starts trying to find a way to get out. I think, then it comes to me. We get back to the house in which I was staying. He parks and I run and get my phone and charge out of the door. The little bit of strength I had left I used to run. I called the only person I knew was in that area. He proceeds to insist I call the cops. Fearful of trouble, I hesitate. Then my fear of murder motivates the call. I reached the fire station. Tired, in pain, I fall to my knees I am exhausted and scared. What seems in a matter of seconds. Police are there. I was escorted to the car where he then proceeded to tell me to call a family member. Driving out of the station he turns the direction I just ran from. Scared I ask what he is doing and he tells me I have to identify the house. Scared, I go into a panic. After identifying the place my life was changed I was taken to hospital. This, was where I realized that what you see on these shows like NCIS and CSI are REAL. They pulled hair, scraped under my nails, and did other painful things to which I though was the end of me. Hours upon hours I sat there, then, a phone call. Let it go to voicemail, when I listened, my body went into shock as I heard his voice say my name. I froze, my father then came to ask what happened and I gave him the phone. The police then arrested him and I was taken to the investigators office where I sat infront of a camera and was forced to state and relive the moment that changed my life. After answering questions from people that felt as if were harassing me I was able to go home. That night changed me. My innocence and virginity was stolen from me. That is a part of me I won’t be able to give to the love of my life. That night lives with me and will remain to until I die. This man had me pinned at my weakest point and took advantage of me. The nightmares haunt me, waking up, screaming and crying in fear of him. My life has been changed, forever. 

Battle two. HE was pinned. Sitting in a courtroom as he hears all over what he did. He heard my voice on the phone with the cops. The fear and helplessness my voice created echoing throughout the courtroom and hopefully his ears. The sound of a little girl, crying in fear because of what he did. The sound of a little girls life changing forever because of his actions and he has to sit there and see me on the stand, cry and panic. Our eyes met again in this battle. Instead of his eyes burning in mine, mine burned in his. He saw me and the little girl he ruined. He saw the seriousness in my face as I stated that night and the want in my voice to put him away. To protect other girls from him. I got off the stand, my strength faded as soon as that door closed, I collapsed to the floor. Tunnel vision came through, the verge of passing out and then I am surrounded by my family. I then see the girl I was fighting for. My bestfriend, Tori Harris. My mind then went from fear to happiness knowing I SAVED her. That my purpose for getting up there was complete. 3 days later, I’m back in the courtroom. He is still pinned. He sits there awaiting to hear how he will spend his life. After hours of waiting it comes. The verdict. 

Rape. Not Guilty.

Sexual Assault. Not Guilty. 

Drugs. Guilty.

Statutory Rape. Guilty. 

22 years prison. 10 years probation. Registered sex offender. I have won. My life is now back. My freedom. The change from victim to survivor has been made. I am a victor. My days of suffering are over and his have just begun. He can now sit in his cell picturing my face, reliving what he did as I move on. The battle for my life is won and his, lost. 

Jason Howell .vs. Samantha Roberts round 1: Jason [one day]

Jason Howell .vs. Samantha Roberts round 2: Samantha. [32 years]

. . . Love in GODS timing.

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of stress and a few personal things that have been overwhelming me. Though all of it gets to me at some points I do have one good, positive and amazing thing in my life that makes me smile no matter the mood I am in. What is it? Not what but who. My amazing boyfriend. The one guy who has been by my side through and through. We fuss and fight but we always work through it. He has saved me. God sent him in a rough part of my life to show me that people DO actually stay. He sent him to show me that love still exists for us broken people. Us who have been hurt time and time again, those of us who feel unworthy and useless in this society. Those of us who feel as though love is only out there for the “good” people, the clean people. 

In actuality, this is not true. God sends love to those whom earn it. Those of us who are broken and feel like no one could ever love someone like “us” are sent that perfect person in GODS TIME. Just because you want something immediately and God doesn’t give it to you doesn’t mean you should give it up. It means you just aren’t ready yet. Whenever God feels like the timing is right, that person will come. So don’t fret whenever a relationship doesn’t work that was meaningless, it just means thats one less person you have to go through, and one less person before you reach your match. 

Live life, Cry when you need to, Laugh when you want to, and completely break down when you feel it’s right because everything that happens and everything you are going through,is leading you to the one. No matter how bad or good it is. Just remember “God loves even the most broken of people.” 

Valentines Day . [Don't roll your eyes and sigh , it's not what you think ;)]

Oh yes. You read correctly. That day that 50% of people love and the other 50% dread. 

I use to be that 50% who dreaded that day. I know what you think, you think, this day is gross. All these couples loving on each other, all the Valentines day notes and cards and decorations. Even when you get home, flowers invade your home and every letter in the mail has either a heart of "Happy Valentines Day" on it. Even when you turn on the television set, it's love movie after love movie over and over, some channels on repeat. So that night you decide to clean or actually do your homework or even just sit there and read the Valentines day forwards you are receiving from friends. 

Now, I am the 50% who looks forward to it. Amazing how one person can change your outlook on things. For years the only "Valentines Gifts" I got were from my parents. [Embarrassing hu?] Last year, I spent the night alone, watching love movies with a thing of chocolates and hot tea crying just cause. This year, I have the love of my life that I am able to celebrate it with. I get to actually BE someones Valentine. Someone I can walk up to and kiss and tell them I love them. 

Who is your Valentine? 

To all of you dreading this day because you don't have someone to love, guess what? 

GOD LOVES YOU. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went all "Jesus" on ya. But guess what? It's true. When you sit there alone on Valentines day remember that even when you feel alone and that you have no one he is there. He has been all along, whether you acknowledged it or not, he was. God is asking you to be his Valentine, will you accept it? Will you spend this year thinking you are alone or celebrating it with the one Man who has loved you from day one and on? Will you dread it or smile because you know you have a relationship stronger than anyone elses? 

Think about it. Valentines day isn't all bad if you realize that even if you may be "Single" by societies dictionary, you aren't. 

So who will be your valentine? 

Jimmy Jr. February 8, 1996 - January 19, 2007 R.I.P

This is just to show respect for a friend.

R.I.P Jimmy Jr. You are extremely missed and we all love you. It's been 5 years without you and you are still missed now more than ever. As we all take today to remember you, to embrace old memories. You were and still are considered an amazing young man.

You offered a lot, and taught us all a lot. You made all of us laugh and smile. For this we will remember you through and through. I do not fret however because I know you are happy up there with God.

It wasn't good bye, and it still isn't. You live in our hearts, in our memories. So as you look down on us with angel wings we feel your comfort and say:

I'll see you soon.

Living on Purpose [Ministry] ;; Cascade Hills. "Are you serving God?"

The question asks, [What is Ministry?]
Why do we minister? Why serve?

The scriptures listed are:

• Mark 10:43-45
• Ephesians 2:10
• Romans 12:3-8
• Psalms 139: 13-16 

Mark 10:43-45 says:

^"43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ⁴⁴ and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. ⁴⁵ For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

          - This scripture is basically saying that to be great you need to be a servant to others. If you remember the story, Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. Now when we think of [servants] we think about butlers and maids but to God serving is meeting needs with love. Try and help people as much as you can. We have all recently seen the quote ["Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle"] Well, when have we seen someone being bullied or picked on and all we do is laugh? How many times do we just sit back and do nothing to help others because its "uncool?" 

Ephesians 2: 10 says:

^"10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

          -We are Gods handy work. I think that pretty much speaks for itself. GIRLS! This is to you! Don't deny it we have all looked at another girl and said "i wish . . . " I admit, I have looked at other girls and said I wish I had her legs or I wish I was like her. Boys you are just as guilty. You see all these girls in society now wanting muscles and you try and try to get it but you just can't. The point of this scripture piece is God made you, YOU for a reason. You are here for a purpose NO ONE else can do. You ARE worthy, you ARE beautiful, you ARE amazing. Don't let society and its version of "beautiful" let you stop from serving God and fulfilling your purpose. 

Romans 12: 3-8 says:

 "³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a] faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

           -This scripture piece is on PURPOSE. Tonight, Adam [Adam Churchwell Cascade Hills Youth Pastor] was talking about how to find our "S.H.A.P.E" Shape stands for, S.piritual Gifts, H. eart, A. bilities, P. ersonality, E. xperiences. Finding your shape is trying to find what your purpose is whether it is Evangelism or just talking to others to help them get through a situation. To find your SHAPE you need to find what you are passionate about. Me for example, I am passionate about helping others through my writing [hints the blog :-) ] I write to show people they aren't alone. That they aren't the only people dealing with whatever it is bothering them and that there is a way out. Your passion may be sports or art, or even singing. Use that passion to help you grow spiritually. To make disciples for God. 

Psalms 139: 13-16 says:

^"13 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be."

            - This brings us back to the YOU were created for a purpose. God made you perfectly to do your purpose then bring you home. Use your SHAPE we talked about, your passions, your strengths to guide you, to help lead us sinners to God. Make disciples, bring them to him, give the wonderful name of Christianity back to normal.YOU are P.E.R.F.E.C.T. Don't want anything else, don't want to be anything else or look like anything else because that person you wish you could be, can NEVER do what you can do. They WON'T make the difference you will. 

Now that I have discussed the scriptures and what they mean, I want to share some notes I took tonight during sermon.

"Us as "Christians" show the love of God. If you aren't being kind and serving, how can you be a servant of God?" 

"Whenever you are feeling unworthy, remember, you are Gods handy work."

"Saying you are a Christian and acting like a Christian are different. People watch "Christians, are you showing the love God would?"

"Nothing shows Gods love more than serving unexpectedly. [This reminded me of Will today at lunch, he took a girls lunch tray to the trash without being told to. He did it out of the kindness of his heart, he was being an example of serving. He didn't expect a thank you or anything in return. THATS what we should be doing.]"

"The reputation of God has been ruined by us "Christians"

"We tend to show love in the way we receive it."

"Love is a verb, an action. NOT just an emotion."

"Make actions with respect. Just because you don't WANT to do something doesn't mean you shouldn't. REMEMBER, we are serving GOD."

"Some of the greatest rewards are those in which are not tangible."

"When you deal with something it isn't the end of the world, use it to help others. To help them deal with the same situation."

 "When something is expected, the joy of doing a good deed is demolished." 

So, after reading this, answer these.

• If you could turn back time, would you help that person in need? Would you give them that few dollars? Would you stand up for them? 
• If you could do anything for God and are guaranteed success, what would you do? 
• Are you using your spiritual gift for popularity, or to serve God?
• What is your passion? What is your SHAPE?

I wanna hear your answers. Message me on Facebook, Text me, anything. I am interested in your answers. They will be completely private. But send em' my way :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I keep on lovin' you .

We all have that one person we love and will do anything for. Now, I'm not talking about family members or friends. I am talking about that one man/woman we all look at and see ourselves marrying. Some of the time the other never knows. That is the failure of courage taking place to which allows us to share our feelings.

You hear stories all the time about old high school friends who loved each other and never said anything to the other then, years down the road they meet again and fall in love and get married. Now it isn't an everyday thing but it happens.

There is a boy, yes I am going sappy on you for a moment [I apologize] but there is a boy I am comepletely and utterly in love with. Now some of you 'wiser' adults are going to say [you're 15 you don't know what love is] and if you think it stop reading. Everyone falls in love I just happened to do it at a young age.

Now you're asking [what is love? what makes you think you're in love?] well, love is when you are around the person and feel nothing but joy, you are PROUD to walk with them in public, to hold their hand and kiss them any chance you get. That one person who gives you butterflies whether you have been together for months or years. Love is complicated yes, but once its perfect you are happy. Nothing can ruin your good mood cause you have seen them and kissed them.

When you love someone you are there for them no matter what they have been through. You are their shoulder to cry on and The one to have their back in any fight.

This boy, he does that for me and I have never been happier than I am when I am with him. I just pray it lasts and we can be this happy for a while. None of the drama of he said she said. Just us, us against the world. Forever.

Preview to my book; "Life in a Mask" Chapter Two .

Christmas of 02'. I was five.

That Christmas was the incident that changed me and one of the most important relationships in my life. 

Christmas eve, like every kid, i'm awake my ears open waiting to hear [santa] come. Instead I heard yelling. Yelling from a voice that was familiar, that voice being my father. For many years I was a daddys girl. I did everything with him. There was never a moment when I wasn't right beside my father.

As the yelling grew louder and louder, the curious one I was, walked out into the living room to see my mother in tears and my dads stuff packed up. He came around the corner, screaming, I felt a hot tear roll down my face. My hero, the one person I looked up too, was about to leave without telling his kids goodbye. 

He knelt on one knee, looked me in my eyes and told me "I love you." Tears dwell. Now, we are both crying. I begged my father to take me with him, To not leave. That's when he told me I couldn't go, that he didn't want me too. 

I woke up Christmas morning, I remember recieving a doll from a family friend but that was it. My little sister had to wake up to no dad.

A few weeks later, he returned. I woke up and walked out into the living room to find my mom and dad on the couch. I ran to him, he sat me in his lap and pinky swore he would never leave out family again. That was it, my family was back together. In that time, my dad taught me to tie my shoes. A few days later, I woke up and he was gone again. That was the last time I saw my dad for a bit.

Now, we aren't close. We have had multiple fights. Tried counseling and everything. I will never be close to him again. The only reason I still talk to him today is because my little sister lives with him.

Family is important. When I see everyone saying how much they [hate] their parents because they gave them chores kills me because I grew up with no support from my father. My mom raised two kids for 9 years by herself. She always managed to feed us, put a roof over our heads, and clothe us. She is my strength, My inspiration, My love. Though what happened was upsetting, I am grateful because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be as close to my mother as I am now, and I wouldn't be who I am. I will always love my father, even if he doesn't feel the same.

Subject that pains all of us .

I'm going to blog about something that bothers almost everyone, something that terrifies people to their core, causing them to put up walls and shut down from the world

LOVE


Yeah, I said it. That dreaded four letter word so powerful yet so overused in society today. The word and emotion that has gave all of us good memories and bad feelings. Its something we also MISINTERPRET.

Love is suppose to be known to send happiness and joy, smiles and laughter. But in what people call the "REAL WORLD" it is now known to cause sadness and depression, tears and heartbreak. This, is false.

It's not love that we are scared of, the loneliness, the fear of pain and tears consumes us. Now we believe love to cause "pain." Instead of trying to over analyze and predict the future, fall into the present. Make memories, if it ends bad, atleast you now know what NOT to look for.

The good, the bad, and the strange .

Acquaintances are in your life to show you something, Friends are here to teach you an entire leson

We all have that one friend, heck, we may have multiple friends who are always cracking jokes, always being off-the-wall insane. Sometimes we even question if they are mental. [That was not to be disrespectful] In the end we love them. Unconditionally.

I have a friend like this, she is insane, crazy, yet lovable, kind, and sweet. She is always making the people around her smile and laugh. We all love her and cherish her. Just like you do with your friend[s]

I know this is short but I just wanted to dedicate a post to a girl who brightens up all our lives.

America , Consumed.

I saw something interesting today.

Society is so twisted and in time of addiction that today as I was driving, I stopped at a red light and I saw a woman running towards a car. Now, when you see a person running the streets with ragged clothing towards a car you think [oh they are just going for money] well 95% of the time that is true but in this society addiction has overwhelmed and we have absorbed it this woman in fact was not running to the car for money but for a cigarette and lighter.

Today as I was watching the news [exciting I know] they were talking about how pharmacies were doubling and some places,  tripling their security due to robberies, again not for money, but pain killers. What is it with people that makes them desperate enough to rob people, especially for drugs?

Addiction has overcome America, not only addiction of drugs but addiction of food, alcohol, and CRIME. Yes, crime. The crime rates in america are racketing through the sky seems every news report SOMETHING happened SOMEWHERE to SOMEONE and is now in jail. What has happened to America? Why so we thrive off the drama and the adrenaline of trouble? Guess some of us will never know.

random off-the-wall paula dean recipe for bacon apple and cheddar sandwich! yumm!

Roast onions and take a cup of mayo in a blender & blend. 

butter your bread 

take your granny smith apple, core it and slice them thin. 

 toast bread in pan on the stove . 

  put cheese on WHILE the bread is on the pan && and bacon and apples. 

finish up your sandwhich on the pan and lay another pan on top until bread is golden brown then flip it until the other side is golden brown or until cheese is melted . 

Ben Breedlove

I HAD to share his story .
Do YOU believe in God?

Prayer, God , and Giving Thanks .

"Maybe the reason for the pain , is so we could pray for strength. And maybe the reason for the strength is so we would not lose hope and maybe for our hope is so we could face the world. and the reason for the world is to make us long for home."

This is one of my favorite verses from one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite artists {use enough "favorite" for you?} Amazing how something like a simple song can effect some of our deepest emotions. For so long we get caught up in school and work and kids and family we lose track of what truly matters, what GAVE us those things. God.

Why is it we allow things like what to wear and what to do get in the way of prayer? Why is it we can make time to send a text but not to thank God for everything.

I challenge you right now to pray atleast three times this week. Just thank him for allowing you to live, for your family, your friends, your strength, your inspirations, being healthy. Look around you, HE gave you that, Thank him for it.

True Meaning of Christmas .

I know, I'm late on this post and I am sorry. So here you are.

CHRISTMAS.

This day and it''s meaning has been twisted beyond belief. Society changes everything to make money. Christmas is a holiday to celebrate JESUS. Not gifts or food or traveling. This holiday has went from being joyous to stressful. Even I get irritated with it. All the insane late night shopping for your list of people, some people you have only met and talked to once and you don't even know why you are spending money on them.

I'll be honest. I am not a fan of Christmas anymore because it has come to be a hassle instead of being CELEBRATED.

God is the reason we are still alive. Jesus is the reason we are clean and pure of all sins. Without his birth he would have never been sacrificed and we wouldn't be who we are today [even though how we are isn't all that great]. He loves us and is our saving grace, the one to catch you when you fall, the one who allows you to cry to him when in time of need, who cheers you up when you are down, to give you that feeling of acceptance and love when you feel alone.

So help me make the change. Help me bring back the TRUE meaning of Christmas. Will you stand out? Do you have the courage to make that difference? If not for me, for him.

Preview to my book "Life in a Mask" Chapter one .

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with My victorious right hand.

End of March and the first of April, 1999. I was two. My mother was in her third tri-mester with my little sister. My grandmother had been struggling with breast cancer for years. We found out towards the end of March shes didn't have much longer to be around. Threrfore my mother had her labor enduced, to try and get my little sister here before my grandmother passed. 

Just 36 hours before she was born, my grandmother passed. So many emotions in such a shrort amount of time. Greif from our loss, yet joy from our new addition. My little sister was born, and in honor of my grandmother, she was given her name, Sally. Born April first 1999. Faintly I remember sitting on the hospital bed holding her. Children are so small, so delecate. There is no greater feeling in the world than holding a child. 

Ever since that day my little sister has been my world. I finally know what it is like to love someone, to know if the time came, you would give your life to them. Then I rememebered. I lost my grandmother. The sadness took over our family as soon as the adrinaline from the birth wore off. We still lost a loved one, and to cancer. I do not remember anything from that time but my parents have told me she was cremated and her ashes were spread off the coast of an island just off the beaches in North Carolina. 

We have all experienced losing a loved one. Whether it be from old age, disease or something even more drastic. What we have to remember and all seem to forget is that God allows things to happen for a reason. They are not always fair nor are they always joyful but with every tragedy, God has happiness. Show him you have faith in him. We cannot control what happens to others and we can't always help but we need to supply support and hospitality through the rough times. 

Though this is easier said than done, remember the good times. Remember the joyful and fulfilling life they had prior. God calls everyone home. We never want anyone we love to leave our side physically but they are always there in our hearts and memories. Trust in him. You will see them again soon. 

Surviving v.s. a Survivor .

People often times cannot tell the difference between being a victim and being a survivor. The line between them has a simple explanation but is hard to complete. Like overcoming an addiction the first step is admitting you have one and accepting the fact it has happened to you. You also must try and overcome it.

Everyone starts out a victim, from anything, before becoming a survivor. After a trauma you experience many things from guilt to sadness. You go through pain and tears, on what people call an emotional roller-coaster. The pain comes and goes, as does happiness and laughter and we all do our best to try and laugh and smile.

No matter if they want to admit it or not, we all try and mask the true pain behind us. When around friends we try and laugh, when with family we try and smile. But once we are alone we break completely. Crying and crying so the next day we can start all over again. I will say that no matter how much you "think" you can do everything alone you can't, take it from someone who has tried. Keeping things bottled up makes it entirely worse, My saving grace and strength? God. God keeps reminding me why I am fighting and why I am still here.

Who is your saving grace?