Hello again.

It's been awhile since I have blogged as I can see. Might as well catch my readers up with whats been going on in my life.

Well, as you all know from recent posts, I won my battle to put away my rapist. Now as I have been telling all of you from the start of this "No matter how hard your trials or obstacles in life, God ALWAYS has a reward at the end." Well, I have received mine.

During court, there was one person other than family who was there day to day and night after night. Rhett. Now, my current boyfriend. The love of my life and my REWARD. I honestly didn't think I would ever see him as mine again but God truly blessed me with something special.

During the court process, he was a witness. He was the person I called the minute I ran from the house that night, If it weren't for him, I would have never called the cops and Jason would still be roaming the streets. Anyways, court was on the 13, well the first day at least. On the 13, Rhett took the stand to defend me. I went on the stand the 14th, also known as valentines day. Yeah, I know right, how messed up is that? He was dismissed from trial the day he took the stand, the 13th. Despite that, he was there EVERYDAY. Every morning, and every night. He held me in the witness room before I took stand and he was right there the minute I walked out. He was there at night when I woke up screaming in terror and held me as I cried.

Long story short, he was the one who gave me a sense of comfort and protection as I went through this time of pain and sadness. Despite the pain and fear in my mind that week, something wonderful DID happen. We reconnected. Though I had always loved him, even when he left, I suppressed it, just as he did. All it took was one kiss and I had fallen all over again.

Mushy, yes I know. I apologize but the point of this was that no matter what you are going through, pain, suffering, sadness. God has a reward for you, sometimes it will be something you could expect, other times it can be something way out of anything you can comprehend. So, don't look down, don't lose hope. God has your path planned

Battle to Rejoice in the name of Revenge.

Sitting here listening to the rain, I feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. My long battle for my freedom is finally over. What has been my one and only focus for 8 months has now disintegrated into victory. 

Two battles. One to which lasted a day, the other in which lasted 5. 

Battle one. I was pinned. Looking into the eyes of a coward as he held me at my wrists and neck. His deep blue eyes burning me. The tattoos he wore stain my memories forever. The pressure of his body on mine. The struggle. My ears hear only my voice saying fight. Pushing, Squirming. I was helpless and weak. I was the loser. The pain of the penetration each time he thrusted. The hot tears from my eyes roll down the side of my face as my fear welts inside of me. I close my eyes, helpless with no hope. My mind starts to race. “This is it. My life, it’s over. This is how I am going to die.” The tears stroll faster. Eyes still closed, weak, unable to fight anymore, the pressure from his body is gone. I open them at the time my body was jerked. Now I am in the car. My mind still races. My body is in pain, the tears still stroll. Trying to come to sense, what happened. I didn’t ask for this. Why. Then, that fearful word, the word no girl wants to hear let alone experience comes to my mind as I put all the nights sequencing actions together. I was raped. My tears flow again. Appearing out of the window, my mind says jump out.Run. Then my sense comes in. If you do so, he could kill you. My glance then moves. Now I am staring at the man who took my innocence away. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tattoos, I was staring my greatest fear into the eyes. His piercing glance causes me to look down. What I saw? blood. The red streaks and splotches covered the zipper area of him. I then jerk my head back to the window. My mind then starts trying to find a way to get out. I think, then it comes to me. We get back to the house in which I was staying. He parks and I run and get my phone and charge out of the door. The little bit of strength I had left I used to run. I called the only person I knew was in that area. He proceeds to insist I call the cops. Fearful of trouble, I hesitate. Then my fear of murder motivates the call. I reached the fire station. Tired, in pain, I fall to my knees I am exhausted and scared. What seems in a matter of seconds. Police are there. I was escorted to the car where he then proceeded to tell me to call a family member. Driving out of the station he turns the direction I just ran from. Scared I ask what he is doing and he tells me I have to identify the house. Scared, I go into a panic. After identifying the place my life was changed I was taken to hospital. This, was where I realized that what you see on these shows like NCIS and CSI are REAL. They pulled hair, scraped under my nails, and did other painful things to which I though was the end of me. Hours upon hours I sat there, then, a phone call. Let it go to voicemail, when I listened, my body went into shock as I heard his voice say my name. I froze, my father then came to ask what happened and I gave him the phone. The police then arrested him and I was taken to the investigators office where I sat infront of a camera and was forced to state and relive the moment that changed my life. After answering questions from people that felt as if were harassing me I was able to go home. That night changed me. My innocence and virginity was stolen from me. That is a part of me I won’t be able to give to the love of my life. That night lives with me and will remain to until I die. This man had me pinned at my weakest point and took advantage of me. The nightmares haunt me, waking up, screaming and crying in fear of him. My life has been changed, forever. 

Battle two. HE was pinned. Sitting in a courtroom as he hears all over what he did. He heard my voice on the phone with the cops. The fear and helplessness my voice created echoing throughout the courtroom and hopefully his ears. The sound of a little girl, crying in fear because of what he did. The sound of a little girls life changing forever because of his actions and he has to sit there and see me on the stand, cry and panic. Our eyes met again in this battle. Instead of his eyes burning in mine, mine burned in his. He saw me and the little girl he ruined. He saw the seriousness in my face as I stated that night and the want in my voice to put him away. To protect other girls from him. I got off the stand, my strength faded as soon as that door closed, I collapsed to the floor. Tunnel vision came through, the verge of passing out and then I am surrounded by my family. I then see the girl I was fighting for. My bestfriend, Tori Harris. My mind then went from fear to happiness knowing I SAVED her. That my purpose for getting up there was complete. 3 days later, I’m back in the courtroom. He is still pinned. He sits there awaiting to hear how he will spend his life. After hours of waiting it comes. The verdict. 

Rape. Not Guilty.

Sexual Assault. Not Guilty. 

Drugs. Guilty.

Statutory Rape. Guilty. 

22 years prison. 10 years probation. Registered sex offender. I have won. My life is now back. My freedom. The change from victim to survivor has been made. I am a victor. My days of suffering are over and his have just begun. He can now sit in his cell picturing my face, reliving what he did as I move on. The battle for my life is won and his, lost. 

Jason Howell .vs. Samantha Roberts round 1: Jason [one day]

Jason Howell .vs. Samantha Roberts round 2: Samantha. [32 years]

. . . Love in GODS timing.

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of stress and a few personal things that have been overwhelming me. Though all of it gets to me at some points I do have one good, positive and amazing thing in my life that makes me smile no matter the mood I am in. What is it? Not what but who. My amazing boyfriend. The one guy who has been by my side through and through. We fuss and fight but we always work through it. He has saved me. God sent him in a rough part of my life to show me that people DO actually stay. He sent him to show me that love still exists for us broken people. Us who have been hurt time and time again, those of us who feel unworthy and useless in this society. Those of us who feel as though love is only out there for the “good” people, the clean people. 

In actuality, this is not true. God sends love to those whom earn it. Those of us who are broken and feel like no one could ever love someone like “us” are sent that perfect person in GODS TIME. Just because you want something immediately and God doesn’t give it to you doesn’t mean you should give it up. It means you just aren’t ready yet. Whenever God feels like the timing is right, that person will come. So don’t fret whenever a relationship doesn’t work that was meaningless, it just means thats one less person you have to go through, and one less person before you reach your match. 

Live life, Cry when you need to, Laugh when you want to, and completely break down when you feel it’s right because everything that happens and everything you are going through,is leading you to the one. No matter how bad or good it is. Just remember “God loves even the most broken of people.” 

Valentines Day . [Don't roll your eyes and sigh , it's not what you think ;)]

Oh yes. You read correctly. That day that 50% of people love and the other 50% dread. 

I use to be that 50% who dreaded that day. I know what you think, you think, this day is gross. All these couples loving on each other, all the Valentines day notes and cards and decorations. Even when you get home, flowers invade your home and every letter in the mail has either a heart of "Happy Valentines Day" on it. Even when you turn on the television set, it's love movie after love movie over and over, some channels on repeat. So that night you decide to clean or actually do your homework or even just sit there and read the Valentines day forwards you are receiving from friends. 

Now, I am the 50% who looks forward to it. Amazing how one person can change your outlook on things. For years the only "Valentines Gifts" I got were from my parents. [Embarrassing hu?] Last year, I spent the night alone, watching love movies with a thing of chocolates and hot tea crying just cause. This year, I have the love of my life that I am able to celebrate it with. I get to actually BE someones Valentine. Someone I can walk up to and kiss and tell them I love them. 

Who is your Valentine? 

To all of you dreading this day because you don't have someone to love, guess what? 

GOD LOVES YOU. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went all "Jesus" on ya. But guess what? It's true. When you sit there alone on Valentines day remember that even when you feel alone and that you have no one he is there. He has been all along, whether you acknowledged it or not, he was. God is asking you to be his Valentine, will you accept it? Will you spend this year thinking you are alone or celebrating it with the one Man who has loved you from day one and on? Will you dread it or smile because you know you have a relationship stronger than anyone elses? 

Think about it. Valentines day isn't all bad if you realize that even if you may be "Single" by societies dictionary, you aren't. 

So who will be your valentine? 

Jimmy Jr. February 8, 1996 - January 19, 2007 R.I.P

This is just to show respect for a friend.

R.I.P Jimmy Jr. You are extremely missed and we all love you. It's been 5 years without you and you are still missed now more than ever. As we all take today to remember you, to embrace old memories. You were and still are considered an amazing young man.

You offered a lot, and taught us all a lot. You made all of us laugh and smile. For this we will remember you through and through. I do not fret however because I know you are happy up there with God.

It wasn't good bye, and it still isn't. You live in our hearts, in our memories. So as you look down on us with angel wings we feel your comfort and say:

I'll see you soon.

Living on Purpose [Ministry] ;; Cascade Hills. "Are you serving God?"

The question asks, [What is Ministry?]
Why do we minister? Why serve?

The scriptures listed are:

• Mark 10:43-45
• Ephesians 2:10
• Romans 12:3-8
• Psalms 139: 13-16 

Mark 10:43-45 says:

^"43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ⁴⁴ and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. ⁴⁵ For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

          - This scripture is basically saying that to be great you need to be a servant to others. If you remember the story, Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. Now when we think of [servants] we think about butlers and maids but to God serving is meeting needs with love. Try and help people as much as you can. We have all recently seen the quote ["Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle"] Well, when have we seen someone being bullied or picked on and all we do is laugh? How many times do we just sit back and do nothing to help others because its "uncool?" 

Ephesians 2: 10 says:

^"10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

          -We are Gods handy work. I think that pretty much speaks for itself. GIRLS! This is to you! Don't deny it we have all looked at another girl and said "i wish . . . " I admit, I have looked at other girls and said I wish I had her legs or I wish I was like her. Boys you are just as guilty. You see all these girls in society now wanting muscles and you try and try to get it but you just can't. The point of this scripture piece is God made you, YOU for a reason. You are here for a purpose NO ONE else can do. You ARE worthy, you ARE beautiful, you ARE amazing. Don't let society and its version of "beautiful" let you stop from serving God and fulfilling your purpose. 

Romans 12: 3-8 says:

 "³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a] faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

           -This scripture piece is on PURPOSE. Tonight, Adam [Adam Churchwell Cascade Hills Youth Pastor] was talking about how to find our "S.H.A.P.E" Shape stands for, S.piritual Gifts, H. eart, A. bilities, P. ersonality, E. xperiences. Finding your shape is trying to find what your purpose is whether it is Evangelism or just talking to others to help them get through a situation. To find your SHAPE you need to find what you are passionate about. Me for example, I am passionate about helping others through my writing [hints the blog :-) ] I write to show people they aren't alone. That they aren't the only people dealing with whatever it is bothering them and that there is a way out. Your passion may be sports or art, or even singing. Use that passion to help you grow spiritually. To make disciples for God. 

Psalms 139: 13-16 says:

^"13 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be."

            - This brings us back to the YOU were created for a purpose. God made you perfectly to do your purpose then bring you home. Use your SHAPE we talked about, your passions, your strengths to guide you, to help lead us sinners to God. Make disciples, bring them to him, give the wonderful name of Christianity back to normal.YOU are P.E.R.F.E.C.T. Don't want anything else, don't want to be anything else or look like anything else because that person you wish you could be, can NEVER do what you can do. They WON'T make the difference you will. 

Now that I have discussed the scriptures and what they mean, I want to share some notes I took tonight during sermon.

"Us as "Christians" show the love of God. If you aren't being kind and serving, how can you be a servant of God?" 

"Whenever you are feeling unworthy, remember, you are Gods handy work."

"Saying you are a Christian and acting like a Christian are different. People watch "Christians, are you showing the love God would?"

"Nothing shows Gods love more than serving unexpectedly. [This reminded me of Will today at lunch, he took a girls lunch tray to the trash without being told to. He did it out of the kindness of his heart, he was being an example of serving. He didn't expect a thank you or anything in return. THATS what we should be doing.]"

"The reputation of God has been ruined by us "Christians"

"We tend to show love in the way we receive it."

"Love is a verb, an action. NOT just an emotion."

"Make actions with respect. Just because you don't WANT to do something doesn't mean you shouldn't. REMEMBER, we are serving GOD."

"Some of the greatest rewards are those in which are not tangible."

"When you deal with something it isn't the end of the world, use it to help others. To help them deal with the same situation."

 "When something is expected, the joy of doing a good deed is demolished." 

So, after reading this, answer these.

• If you could turn back time, would you help that person in need? Would you give them that few dollars? Would you stand up for them? 
• If you could do anything for God and are guaranteed success, what would you do? 
• Are you using your spiritual gift for popularity, or to serve God?
• What is your passion? What is your SHAPE?

I wanna hear your answers. Message me on Facebook, Text me, anything. I am interested in your answers. They will be completely private. But send em' my way :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I keep on lovin' you .

We all have that one person we love and will do anything for. Now, I'm not talking about family members or friends. I am talking about that one man/woman we all look at and see ourselves marrying. Some of the time the other never knows. That is the failure of courage taking place to which allows us to share our feelings.

You hear stories all the time about old high school friends who loved each other and never said anything to the other then, years down the road they meet again and fall in love and get married. Now it isn't an everyday thing but it happens.

There is a boy, yes I am going sappy on you for a moment [I apologize] but there is a boy I am comepletely and utterly in love with. Now some of you 'wiser' adults are going to say [you're 15 you don't know what love is] and if you think it stop reading. Everyone falls in love I just happened to do it at a young age.

Now you're asking [what is love? what makes you think you're in love?] well, love is when you are around the person and feel nothing but joy, you are PROUD to walk with them in public, to hold their hand and kiss them any chance you get. That one person who gives you butterflies whether you have been together for months or years. Love is complicated yes, but once its perfect you are happy. Nothing can ruin your good mood cause you have seen them and kissed them.

When you love someone you are there for them no matter what they have been through. You are their shoulder to cry on and The one to have their back in any fight.

This boy, he does that for me and I have never been happier than I am when I am with him. I just pray it lasts and we can be this happy for a while. None of the drama of he said she said. Just us, us against the world. Forever.