Have you ever met that one person who is able to not only make you smile but who you also want to grab by the neck each time they look at you? Well welcome to my world. It seems today that no one can ever just be nice. What ever happened to “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” I seem to have also missed the memo that it is okay to completely ignore someone only to draw them in with sweet words and gestures the next day. Am I the only one who feels this way?
This blog is probably going to just end up being a ranting moment for me and a hope that someone out there reading this, understands and can relate to it. And to all of you currently reading this, yes, it IS about a guy again so if you aren’t interested, don’t read it.



To continue this for anyone who may still be reading, As you know I don’t reveal the names of the particular person I speak of however, most of you who know me usually can guess who I am speaking of. Although no one outside of my current “hangout” crew would know, my most recent relationship went to hell. Not necessarily in a bad way but in a way that angers me from time to time.
This guy was definitely out of my comfort zone FOR SURE. I won’t tell you why simply because you’ll easily guess if I say (and I like making you guys think.) Anyway, he seemed sweet, kind hearted, headstrong, and everything every girl looks for in a guy pretty much. We got along really well. We laughed, joked, and even made fun of one another. It was nearly the ideal relationship every teenager wants. A guy who can make you smile at your saddest moments, someone who can make you feel safe at your most insecure times. Someone who you can make fun of and be mean to but at the end of the day you both know you love each other. It was EXACTLY like that. What could have POSSIBLY gone wrong? We barely argued and when we did nearly 20 minutes later it was back to laughing. Well, it turns out that quote everyone says, “Too good to be true” is EXTREMELY true.
After a while we kind of grew distant. I put my walls up in fear of saying too much and he got irritated at that. All of you remember the post before this, about the guy who changed my life for the worst? Well, as you know in that relationship I didn’t care what he did or who he was with out of trust/ He ended up cheating because he felt like I didn’t care. So naturally, whatever didn’t work the first time around, you do the opposite next time hoping things would be better. Well that didn’t work for me. I apparently cared TOO much this time. Ironic right? Just my luck.. He went ballistic after I gave ONLY MY OPINION on what he planned to do that weekend. IT WAS JUST AN OPINION GUYS!! We went from a great relationship to done in 24 hours. All his choice which, hey, if it makes him happy, let em’ right?
After we broke up we went days without speaking. I still saw him everyday which of course, was difficult. Well finally I put my foot down. I needed an explaination of what he was thinking cause I was contantly getting mixed messages. We were on the phone for 4 hours straight. And he admitted to lying about EVERYTHING he told me at the start of our relationship, but apparently it’s okay because by the end he felt it... is it just me or is that NOT okay? Lying is NEVER okay whether or not you really meant it WEEKS after. Of course, I got mad. Three things I hate MOST in a relationship are liars, cheaters, and people who make me look like an idiot. I can’t handle it. He did 2 of the 3. I was pissed.
Lets skip about a week and half to today shall we? I found out some health problems I have and he was one person I told. He seemed concerned, wanting to know what happened and every current news I found out. Well for the last 3 days we haven’t spoken. So I am to the point where maybe we shouldn’t speak anymore, besides it’s unfair to drag someone in these problems anyway, right? So I gave myself closure and admitted to myself finally that you just cannot trust anyone. I let it and him go. Then this morning after not speaking and after not having any gestures made towards one another he climbs on our bus and looks me in my eyes and runs his hand down my arm..... NO. DON’T SIT HERE AND MAKE A KIND GESTURE TO ME KNOWING I NEED IT AFTER NOT SPEAKING TO ME FOR THREE DAYS! JUST, NO!
I know, I know, it was nothing quit over reacting.. if you guys only knew the stress and anger I have towards this guy right now you would understand.. You either talk to someone or you don;t there is NO in between . Sorry . Is it just me or do you guys agree? You can’t go days not speaking to someone making them think you want nothing to do with them only to turn around and make kind gestures. Its almost like you are luring in your victim only to slap them in the face.
Now, I am in a controversy.  Do I ignore him and just let everything go and continue on not speaking to him or should I take the gesture as an indication that he wants to speak to me? I don’t even know... but that is how I feel and I hope maybe one of you readers can relate and it helped you in some way. If it didn’t I apologize but I feel much better.

We all make mistakes.

     

 We have all heard the quote, “You never know what you have till you have lost it” and I couldn’t relate to that more than I have these last 6 months. In a matter of 24 hours, I lost my car, my phone, my job, my friends, some family, and all of my school achievements.

How did all this happen? Well it’s a simple yet stupid answer, it was all for a guy.. Yeah I said it, a guy. Someone I thought I loved and who loved me the same but it turned out, he was just a player who played the game better than anyone I have ever seen. He went as far as lying about being a sexual assault victim like I am.. Ridiculous right? That’ll teach someone not to trust. However, before things went sour between us I loved him. He was sweet, loving and caring of anyone and everyone. It seemed like he had a future going for him. He was a state champion wrestler for the high school and was a top track star as well. He was a senior, I mean hey, what girl wouldn’t fall for a guy who resembled Vin Diesel? I instantly grew fond of this guy.

The first time I met him I was working open house for the high school. I was highly involved with a club and was even promoted to vice president alongside my bestfriend. He walked in with my bestfriends boyfriend and his smile caught my eye first. He was in a muscle tee and you could see the definition of his arms each time he moved and it was breathtaking, ridiculous again isn’t it? However, he approached me and immediately I was speechless. When I heard his voice it was like listening to Vin Diesel speak in Riddick, yeah it was THAT amazing. Anyways, back on topic, (don’t laugh at me) we started hanging out around the school before the open house started and he made me laugh at nearly everything. He picked me up and ran with me around the construction room and when he put me down and looked into my eyes, I was gone.

We started dating and things were great. I was really happy with this guy and he seemed happy too. As soon as I could trust him I told him about what happened to me. It hurt him, as it does to everyone who hears the story, but he was there for me. He said he understood, but never went into detail. After months of dating and great memories, laughs and smiles things went downhill...
I caught him sexting his bestfriend, and even getting photos from one of my bestfriends.. I also walked in on him with a friend of mine and it was devistating. However, I believe a relationship is preperation for marriage and that a couple should work out anything and everything that comes up, so I stayed and he apologized..

We broke up after I caught him a fourth time and me being so in love with this guy, when he asked to be FWBs I didn’t refuse. We snuck around behind his girlfriends back and I became the one thing I left him for... I was giving him everything he wanted. I finally broke it off and for months we didn’t speak. After awhile he called me. He wanted things to work, realized he made a mistake.. I knew it was a bad idea but I still loved this guy and when you’re in love you just don’t think straight.

Things were getting serious again and I started rebelling against my mother to see him. I would go to his house after school just to see him, I would take him places so we could hangout. I would meet him at flatrock and we would go to our special spot where no one saw us. Well, My mother and I grew apart. She knew what was happening and when I was caught, enough was enough and I was sent away. In the same day I moved houses, lost my car, switched schools, and had no contact with any of my friends. I lost my best friends and every accomplishment I had at that school. I lost both career paths and everything I knew was lost.

Just like that I lost everything I ever knew. Not even 24 hours and my entire life did a 180 why? because I thought if I did everything for this guy that he would stay around.. Where is he now? Who knows? Last I heard he got in a car wreck and was homeless.. attractive right?

I write these blogs, not to just talk but to show you guys the everyday mistakes we make as teens. This blog is to show you guys not to believe everything you hear and to not let a stupid thing like a guy ruin your life. Stick to your plan and if the guy/girl you are with doesn’t like it, guess what? THEY ARENT WORTH IT.

UPDATE!

Hey guys!

Been a while since I have posted and a lot of you have been asking when my next post will be and here it is! Nothing much to this one just an update on your writer!

Haven't been blogging simply because of the fact I haven't had much to write about but I have a new post coming soon so be on the lookout darlings! Been having a lot happen lately I think most of you can relate to (girls especially) so on to telling you about what's been going on!

I have just recently gotten out of a relationship (sucks right?) and I have been going back to work. I am also rebuilding a crumbling relationship with God. As of right now he is my main focus and I am just awaiting on the right guy to be placed into my life by him.

I also just got back from Athens, Ga on a school trip, there was a competition but unfortunately I did not place for nationals but the  experience was GREAT! Met new people and made friends from other schools here in town so I am quite thrilled. I have also been in fitness training (I know right? Go ahead and laugh) I have lost 30 POUNDS! I am also doing a 5k run here in town on the 23rd so I am stoked about that.

But as for now that's about it! Be looking out for my new post topic? Relationships, with your best friend and also being tied between people. So be on the lookout! I love you all!!

Suicide .

"Thinking of suicide ? You’re sitting in your room ~ door locked ~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper infront of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again - for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~ again and again, but you don’t kn

ow where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody.

It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all.

No body cares, right? Well you thought wrong. It’s a Tuesday the following morning, and when it’s 7:21, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn’t know you can’t hear her she doesn’t know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got which is close to nothing to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right?

8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces about your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap ~ he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you ~ the one that always threw things at you during class ~ he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated - even the kids you’ve never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right?

Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister ~ no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff ~ always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn’t I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home ~ the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself ~ he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?

It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn’t slept for nights it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework now cuts. But nobody cares about you, aren’t I right?

Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never.

It’s your funeral. It’s a big one ~ everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t, and you won’t.

Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs everyone has their bad days. Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life.

Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself ~ how would the people that love you feel/go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable."

I saw this post on Facebook , a girl named Amanda Todd killed herself a few days ago , from bullying. This post got to me , majorly. About a year ago , I considered suicide . It crossed my mind more than once, thinking the pain was too much to bear anymore, that everyone would understand why I left. It's more than that , most people say "Suicide is selfish" well , I do not entirely disagree but in the mind of a suicidal person , we think "Life will become easier.." "No more pain.." "No more suffering" in the moment we are running through ways we can leave our pain , something brings most of us back from it. My situation? 


I was sitting at the window , watching the rain thinking about what happened to me, flashbacks invaded my mind, his hands around my throat, the force of his body on mine, the tears streaming down my face, his blue eyes burning into my memory. All of this was like a movie on replay. Constant thoughts , in the midst of my tears I think , "This can go away , it takes one simple thing and all of my pain can be gone , forever." I start imagining me getting into a severe car wreck , someone murdering me , pills , knives , guns . It all crossed my mind , more than once , I was walking around looking for the least painful way when I got a phone call . My baby sister . I answer , what brought me back to reality? Her words , the words I will never in my life forget , the words that saved my life.. "I cannot wait to see you tomorrow sissy , We can eat and open presents together, I cannot wait for you to see what I got you , I've been saving my money for it to be special." She was giggling trying so hard to keep it a secret . I cried even more.. I told her I couldn't wait to see what she got me , we hung up . . I dropped to my knees and just cried... the next day came and she gave me the sweetest teddy bear , it had a squeaker and she was smiling and laughing , so proud that she kept the secret . I look at the bear now and see her. I see my dark days and that bear has pulled me out of a lot of things. Everytime I see it , I think of where it would be if the night before , I had taken my life. it would be with her , on her dresser , mocking her . with the thought of me every time she passed it .

Suicide is not an easy thing to stop , unfortunately it happens to a lot of people , some come out of it , some are less fortunate. For the readers I have who are suicidal , or even thinking of it . You are loved by your mom , dad , siblings , FRIENDS. Don't let the thought of and "easier life" distract you from the ones who love you. If I can tell you one thing , it's that once you get through this , you EARN your scars. You can help save a life , live yours and enjoy the little things . Life will become easier , I know it doesn't seem like it but believe me when I say that after this dark path, comes a road of happiness.. 

Think of those around you and not just you . You were given this challenge to see if you are strong enough to survive .. don't let the devil get under your skin.. 

Hello again.

It's been awhile since I have blogged as I can see. Might as well catch my readers up with whats been going on in my life.

Well, as you all know from recent posts, I won my battle to put away my rapist. Now as I have been telling all of you from the start of this "No matter how hard your trials or obstacles in life, God ALWAYS has a reward at the end." Well, I have received mine.

During court, there was one person other than family who was there day to day and night after night. Rhett. Now, my current boyfriend. The love of my life and my REWARD. I honestly didn't think I would ever see him as mine again but God truly blessed me with something special.

During the court process, he was a witness. He was the person I called the minute I ran from the house that night, If it weren't for him, I would have never called the cops and Jason would still be roaming the streets. Anyways, court was on the 13, well the first day at least. On the 13, Rhett took the stand to defend me. I went on the stand the 14th, also known as valentines day. Yeah, I know right, how messed up is that? He was dismissed from trial the day he took the stand, the 13th. Despite that, he was there EVERYDAY. Every morning, and every night. He held me in the witness room before I took stand and he was right there the minute I walked out. He was there at night when I woke up screaming in terror and held me as I cried.

Long story short, he was the one who gave me a sense of comfort and protection as I went through this time of pain and sadness. Despite the pain and fear in my mind that week, something wonderful DID happen. We reconnected. Though I had always loved him, even when he left, I suppressed it, just as he did. All it took was one kiss and I had fallen all over again.

Mushy, yes I know. I apologize but the point of this was that no matter what you are going through, pain, suffering, sadness. God has a reward for you, sometimes it will be something you could expect, other times it can be something way out of anything you can comprehend. So, don't look down, don't lose hope. God has your path planned

Battle to Rejoice in the name of Revenge.

Sitting here listening to the rain, I feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. My long battle for my freedom is finally over. What has been my one and only focus for 8 months has now disintegrated into victory. 

Two battles. One to which lasted a day, the other in which lasted 5. 

Battle one. I was pinned. Looking into the eyes of a coward as he held me at my wrists and neck. His deep blue eyes burning me. The tattoos he wore stain my memories forever. The pressure of his body on mine. The struggle. My ears hear only my voice saying fight. Pushing, Squirming. I was helpless and weak. I was the loser. The pain of the penetration each time he thrusted. The hot tears from my eyes roll down the side of my face as my fear welts inside of me. I close my eyes, helpless with no hope. My mind starts to race. “This is it. My life, it’s over. This is how I am going to die.” The tears stroll faster. Eyes still closed, weak, unable to fight anymore, the pressure from his body is gone. I open them at the time my body was jerked. Now I am in the car. My mind still races. My body is in pain, the tears still stroll. Trying to come to sense, what happened. I didn’t ask for this. Why. Then, that fearful word, the word no girl wants to hear let alone experience comes to my mind as I put all the nights sequencing actions together. I was raped. My tears flow again. Appearing out of the window, my mind says jump out.Run. Then my sense comes in. If you do so, he could kill you. My glance then moves. Now I am staring at the man who took my innocence away. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tattoos, I was staring my greatest fear into the eyes. His piercing glance causes me to look down. What I saw? blood. The red streaks and splotches covered the zipper area of him. I then jerk my head back to the window. My mind then starts trying to find a way to get out. I think, then it comes to me. We get back to the house in which I was staying. He parks and I run and get my phone and charge out of the door. The little bit of strength I had left I used to run. I called the only person I knew was in that area. He proceeds to insist I call the cops. Fearful of trouble, I hesitate. Then my fear of murder motivates the call. I reached the fire station. Tired, in pain, I fall to my knees I am exhausted and scared. What seems in a matter of seconds. Police are there. I was escorted to the car where he then proceeded to tell me to call a family member. Driving out of the station he turns the direction I just ran from. Scared I ask what he is doing and he tells me I have to identify the house. Scared, I go into a panic. After identifying the place my life was changed I was taken to hospital. This, was where I realized that what you see on these shows like NCIS and CSI are REAL. They pulled hair, scraped under my nails, and did other painful things to which I though was the end of me. Hours upon hours I sat there, then, a phone call. Let it go to voicemail, when I listened, my body went into shock as I heard his voice say my name. I froze, my father then came to ask what happened and I gave him the phone. The police then arrested him and I was taken to the investigators office where I sat infront of a camera and was forced to state and relive the moment that changed my life. After answering questions from people that felt as if were harassing me I was able to go home. That night changed me. My innocence and virginity was stolen from me. That is a part of me I won’t be able to give to the love of my life. That night lives with me and will remain to until I die. This man had me pinned at my weakest point and took advantage of me. The nightmares haunt me, waking up, screaming and crying in fear of him. My life has been changed, forever. 

Battle two. HE was pinned. Sitting in a courtroom as he hears all over what he did. He heard my voice on the phone with the cops. The fear and helplessness my voice created echoing throughout the courtroom and hopefully his ears. The sound of a little girl, crying in fear because of what he did. The sound of a little girls life changing forever because of his actions and he has to sit there and see me on the stand, cry and panic. Our eyes met again in this battle. Instead of his eyes burning in mine, mine burned in his. He saw me and the little girl he ruined. He saw the seriousness in my face as I stated that night and the want in my voice to put him away. To protect other girls from him. I got off the stand, my strength faded as soon as that door closed, I collapsed to the floor. Tunnel vision came through, the verge of passing out and then I am surrounded by my family. I then see the girl I was fighting for. My bestfriend, Tori Harris. My mind then went from fear to happiness knowing I SAVED her. That my purpose for getting up there was complete. 3 days later, I’m back in the courtroom. He is still pinned. He sits there awaiting to hear how he will spend his life. After hours of waiting it comes. The verdict. 

Rape. Not Guilty.

Sexual Assault. Not Guilty. 

Drugs. Guilty.

Statutory Rape. Guilty. 

22 years prison. 10 years probation. Registered sex offender. I have won. My life is now back. My freedom. The change from victim to survivor has been made. I am a victor. My days of suffering are over and his have just begun. He can now sit in his cell picturing my face, reliving what he did as I move on. The battle for my life is won and his, lost. 

Jason Howell .vs. Samantha Roberts round 1: Jason [one day]

Jason Howell .vs. Samantha Roberts round 2: Samantha. [32 years]

. . . Love in GODS timing.

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of stress and a few personal things that have been overwhelming me. Though all of it gets to me at some points I do have one good, positive and amazing thing in my life that makes me smile no matter the mood I am in. What is it? Not what but who. My amazing boyfriend. The one guy who has been by my side through and through. We fuss and fight but we always work through it. He has saved me. God sent him in a rough part of my life to show me that people DO actually stay. He sent him to show me that love still exists for us broken people. Us who have been hurt time and time again, those of us who feel unworthy and useless in this society. Those of us who feel as though love is only out there for the “good” people, the clean people. 

In actuality, this is not true. God sends love to those whom earn it. Those of us who are broken and feel like no one could ever love someone like “us” are sent that perfect person in GODS TIME. Just because you want something immediately and God doesn’t give it to you doesn’t mean you should give it up. It means you just aren’t ready yet. Whenever God feels like the timing is right, that person will come. So don’t fret whenever a relationship doesn’t work that was meaningless, it just means thats one less person you have to go through, and one less person before you reach your match. 

Live life, Cry when you need to, Laugh when you want to, and completely break down when you feel it’s right because everything that happens and everything you are going through,is leading you to the one. No matter how bad or good it is. Just remember “God loves even the most broken of people.”